Hooker – kaikape
A gorilla stands over a fry pan and stovetop. He is the cook ape. Someone calls out for him so he puts on a number 2 jersey and joins a scrum as hooker.
Fullback – haika
A team is waiting to receive a kick off, when suddenly the fullback breaks into a haka.
Scrum – kakari
A bunch of schoolboys form a scrum to break their way into a classroom. On the door of the classroom it says “Cookery”.
Drop goal (verb) – whana whakapiro
A player drop kicks a ball, and it goes through the goal but hits a row of fans and they all fall over. The drop goal was a fan fuckup.
Penalty goal (noun) – hāmene whakapiro
A player successfully kicks a penalty goal while a choir sings behind the goal posts. They try to sing in harmony, but they sound terrible – the penalty goal was a harmony fuckup.
Penalty kick (verb) – whana whiu
A player kicks a penalty goal, but the touchjudge is busy fanning himself as if it was too hot to pay attention. He says “I thought I’d just fan a few (minutes)”.
Penalty kick (noun) – whana hāmene
The kicker lines up a penalty kick while a choir sings behind the goalposts. Dancing girls come and fan the choir – they fan a harmony.
Referee – kaiwawao
A fight breaks out on the pitch and the referee runs in, blowing his whistle and shouting “Okay, whoa, whoa!”
Lineout – whakarārangi
A Maori boy runs through a carpark. His friend yells, “To the far car, rangi!” and throws a ball as if into a lineout. The Maori boy, when reaching the far car, leaps in the air to catch it as if a lineout.
Kickoff – tīmata
A player stands waiting to kick off, and an old lady yells at him to hurry up. The player says “I can’t kick off until I get the tee. Mother.”
Penalty – hāmene
The referee awards a penalty, and the crowd starts singing in perfect harmony.
Try – piro
A player scores a try and celebrates with a pirouette that a ballet dancer would be proud of.
The above is an excerpt from the upcoming Learn Maori Vocabulary With Mnemonics, by Jeff Ngatai, due to be published by VJM Publishing in the summer of 2018/19.