Hooker – kaikape
A gorilla stands over a fry pan and stovetop. He is the cook ape. Someone calls out for him so he puts on a number 2 jersey and joins a scrum as hooker.
Fullback – haika
A team is waiting to receive a kick off, when suddenly the fullback breaks into a haka.
Scrum – kakari
A bunch of schoolboys form a scrum to break their way into a classroom. On the door of the classroom it says “Cookery”.
Drop goal (verb) – whana whakapiro
A player drop kicks a ball, and it goes through the goal but hits a row of fans and they all fall over. The drop goal was a fan fuckup.
Penalty goal (noun) – hāmene whakapiro
A player successfully kicks a penalty goal while a choir sings behind the goal posts. They try to sing in harmony, but they sound terrible – the penalty goal was a harmony fuckup.
Penalty kick (verb) – whana whiu
A player kicks a penalty goal, but the touchjudge is busy fanning himself as if it was too hot to pay attention. He says “I thought I’d just fan a few (minutes)”.
Penalty kick (noun) – whana hāmene
The kicker lines up a penalty kick while a choir sings behind the goalposts. Dancing girls come and fan the choir – they fan a harmony.
Referee – kaiwawao
A fight breaks out on the pitch and the referee runs in, blowing his whistle and shouting “Okay, whoa, whoa!”
Lineout – whakarārangi
A Maori boy runs through a carpark. His friend yells, “To the far car, rangi!” and throws a ball as if into a lineout. The Maori boy, when reaching the far car, leaps in the air to catch it as if a lineout.
Kickoff – tīmata
A player stands waiting to kick off, and an old lady yells at him to hurry up. The player says “I can’t kick off until I get the tee. Mother.”
Penalty – hāmene
The referee awards a penalty, and the crowd starts singing in perfect harmony.
Try – piro
A player scores a try and celebrates with a pirouette that a ballet dancer would be proud of.
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The above is an excerpt from the upcoming Learn Maori Vocabulary With Mnemonics, by Jeff Ngatai, due to be published by VJM Publishing in the summer of 2018/19.